


Lately I've Been Waking Up Alone (This is What it Means To Be Human)

by teamfreeawesome



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel-centric, Depression, Drabble, Human Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 12:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamfreeawesome/pseuds/teamfreeawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humanity can be overwhelming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lately I've Been Waking Up Alone (This is What it Means To Be Human)

**Author's Note:**

> A quick drabble because I was scrolling through Tumblr and suddenly _feels_ appeared out of nowhere. To be honest, I haven't really been keeping up with the new series - so I've got no idea what's canon anymore! So, uh, let's call this an AU?
> 
> Not beta-d, so definitely let me know if you spot any errors. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, the characters or anything affiliated with them. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos make my world a brighter place ;) Love you guys <3

It should feel like he’s lost something - like he’s empty and hollow - but instead, it’s like he’s burning up inside. He’s got scorch marks across his kidneys and flames tear hungrily at his lungs as he breathes.

He tried to describe it to Dean once, tongue fumbling around the words. Tried to explain that this influx of _humanity –_ it’s like a tidal wave of _pain_. It crashes over his head and pushes him down with a heavy weight until he’s drowning beneath the agony. It _hurts_ as he stands, burning in this body – and he’s carrying the weight of everything angelic in a human heart that was not built to contain it.

*

He misses his wings.

Sometimes, when the itch – the _ache_ – gets too _much_ , he hangs his heavy boots across his shoulders and it’s almost possible to pretend. He walks slowly, breathing as deeply as he can, and lets the bump of shoe against bone soothe him just for a minute.

*

He doesn’t regret _anything_ – but it’s not _easy_. And Dean –

                                                                                                                                Dean carries his own pain. Castiel can still feel the remnants of absorbed anguish rattling against his bones, even as he lies broken and _human_. He recalls the desperate loneliness and self-disgust wrapped up in a restless, all-encompassing love for those Dean values – and thinks that perhaps Dean has enough to deal with without Castiel’s problems too.

So Castiel’s not going to burden Dean with his own pain. It’s a _manageable_ pain (it’s eating at him), a _controllable_ pain (biting at his flesh with _sharpsharp_ teeth). He can _bear_ this pain (sometimes he feels like he’s been left as bare bone, cracks of _brittle_ under his skin) and it’s –

It’s going to be _okay_.

*

But. It’s _not_ -

It’s not going to be okay. 


End file.
